©New Sunday Times (Used by permission) by Gavin Yap

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CENSORSHIP is good. Censorship exists to protect us from what we do not have the mental power to understand.

Censorship gives us the freedom to avoid all the pitfalls of this terrible, terrible world such as unwanted swearing and partying and speaking and walking and functioning and, please, don’t even think of bringing up sex.

Please, don’t say that terrible word out loud. I mean — yuck! Sex is bad, you hear me? B-A-D, bad I tell you, just bad. Censorship is good. Censorship helps shield us from those primitive thoughts that run rampant through our demented human craniums, just waiting for the smallest glimmer of temptation, that little sliver of thought that becomes an idea and, ultimately, a criminal act of deviance and rebellion.

Why, you ask? Because we are bad people, who can no longer fend for ourselves in the trenches of morality.

The concept of what is right and what is wrong no longer applies to us because we no longer care. We are bad, people are bad. Censorship is good. Censorship teaches us how to enjoy our favourite movies. We pay our money to be entertained by an image on a screen so we can laugh and cry and jump and scream and love and hate anything and everything that’s put up there. But these movies aren’t really movies. They’re love notes from an impure dimension, set to stun and woo our simple minds, to make us fall in love with the taste of their venom that wants only to poison our thinking and drive us to anarchy. Movies are bad. They make us forget ourselves by showing us things we should not see, such as two people doing things that should never be done, sometimes three people, sometimes even four. They expose us to horrible words that rhyme with duck, sass role, tick, cart, and hitch. Movies are bad, very bad, indeed. Censorship is good. Censorship makes it easier for us to read our favourite magazines. Sometimes, the invaders of muddled morality try to sneak in images of extreme subliminal impurity on to these slickly published pages. We flip through these pages with every intention of reading an article or a column but we simply do not have the will power to go any further, once confronted with these images, these agents of contamination. A single black and white image of a luscious woman with red eyes and red lips wearing only a red slip, can only lead to one place — prison. But censorship proves that the pen is, in fact, mightier than the sword, or in this case, image, because with some simple bold strategic strokes of a marker pen, our sheltered eyes need never have to bear the burden of external physical beauty. And thank all that is good for that, for we should well and truly fear what we might do if censorship were to suddenly up and leave us all dangling in the great void of nothingness. Voids are bad. Nothingness is bad. Voids of nothingness are so bad it’s not even funny how bad they are. Censorship is good. Censorship gives us the ability to make more of our lives, rather than just wasting them on useless thoughts that serve only to set us on a path of rape and debauchery. We must trust and understand that we are a weak and cruel race of beings. We cannot be allowed to take in and ingest everything that this world has laid out before us because we’re likely to go insanely homicidal from sensory overload. How can we be trusted to turn away from that little man who pulls the strings of our emotional hang-ups and says: “No. Today, you will not make me not make me think dirty thoughts about anything I see or hear or do that could possibly make me think a dirty thought.” We can’t be trusted to tell ourselves that, and you know it. No, there’s no way to be free of it, this disgusting desire to be human. Humans are bad, but humans also came up with censorship, so I guess we can let ourselves off the hook for that one. Thank heavens we came up with something like censorship to save our immortal souls. If we had wasted too much time on other things, like a cure for cancer or AIDS, we’d all be taking a swan dive into the lake of fire by now. Lakes of fire are bad. Censorship is good. It’s so good that it has inspired me to write this drivel in the wee hours of the morning when I could be watching an uncensored DVD (original of course, I only buy original, piracy is bad too, haven’t you heard?) and allowing my mind to roll around in the mud for a couple of hours. But, no. Instead, I’m here, tasting the milk of sinless freedom because, thanks to censorship, I am free from impure thoughts. Hopefully, the concept of censorship shall take itself even further in the years to come and relieve us of the burden of thought altogether. Now, that will be a day to look forward to, don’t you all agree? Well, don’t you?