My… | Aronil

My…

Blogging, Just Me 1 July 2008 | Comments

Note: This was meant to be passworded.. but sigh.. just not working and it’s already out in the open.. so i’ll let it be.

I’m having those moments again, where i fear much about what I am doing now. Ever since i had yet my conversation with my father regarding performing arts yet again on how he thinks i should wake up and smell the coffee. Sigh even as I write it, it just causes me pangs of pain because i know there is someone out there who should support me is not giving me full support. I would like to think so that my mom does support me on this, and I am very grateful for it.

I’m rather just worried, because I can’t seem to see or rather hope to see where it can take me. Obviously I hope for a lot more but when will it come. Am I too eager? Am I just not being patient? At the moment now I’m heading towards theater, when in truth i would love to try screen. But maybe I’m not ready for it… or maybe I’m just not right for it.. maybe not now… maybe not ever…

Put it this way, the screen is all for those who have looks. They barely go to the one who is either average or just mediocre. I’m not saying i’m either, but i feel that way sometimes. I feel that I’m not good enough at all.. I’m not pretty enough, I worry too much on my weight, how big my arms are going to look, how wide my waist will look once they place i see my self on a plasma stretch tv.

I see my friends like Andrea Fonseka.. who I have no idea even remembers me from our days at Taylor’s, who is making it big now in the scene. I’m very happy for her, because she made it through the Miss Malaysia pageant. With a stream of bad results to finally being endorsed by Marie France and now she’s looking fab.

I’m being a pig and I’m not helping myself as much when it comes to my looks i suppose. I’m being all lazy, when i know i should be hitting the gym even more so now. Shit…. i just feel like crap. I don’t believe in those get slim quick ready methods because it just goes against what i believe in being healthy. Then again my lifestyle now is not exactly something that I will call superbly healthy either.

But that’s on my physical being.. why do i rant about it so much. It’s because i know that, the times i dont get a role is because i don’t have the look for it. Shit again.. i know that girls who have the looks, gain more attention and favoured way more, because others are trying to well goad them into being nice and then you can say hey i know a pretty thing.. I mean shit laa.. …

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  • aronil
    Awww thanks speakindoodles :) And hey Robert is hawt! lol and a brilliant actor too, just minus the terrible times that he has had in rehab (according to tabloids). I'll be persistent.. and also patient... God Willing though if anything turns up but i'll leave to His hands :). You keep on with the doodling!! I wanna see more!!
  • speakindoodles
    If the screen is for those who got the looks then why is Robert Downey Jr. the lead in Iron Man?(I don't mean to diss him >.<) Anyways, be persistant and don't give up!!! And no matter what you think, you've got the look!!! Those who don't see are blind.
  • aronil
    Heya Jon... yeha this post was a bit personal.. and I tried to bury it lol, but that didn't work. I think you meant the conversation we had Monday :P Either way...I just needed a place to gather my thoughts for a bit and think if this could work.. ever.... OH just had a thought you meant the thing on the looks conversation ... sorry me bad :O No I'm actually very blessed at this moment and I can agree to that. I'm amazed that God has open even more doors then I thought even possible this year. All the same, I'm thinking that I'm just being too impatient and you're right so what if it's not screen.. elsewhere eh... ... I need some quiet time... **bows head and breathes** a long one. Thanks for the encouragement man :)
  • Nicholas.C
    Yea, we've been very busy.. I'm posting this from Malacca infact... will be heading to Johore tomorrow :P Still have alot of work related travelling to do. Anyway, reality is a tought mistress, but in the end following our hearts is what makes our lives worth living. God made us all mortal, and we only have one chance at this life. It may seem odd to think such things while we're still young, but later in life when we're no longer able and about to leave this place, i think we would be happy to know that we didn't waste our youth and instead lived a life worth living... Anyway, gtg sleep. Got a long journey ahead of me. *hugs* and the feelings mutual Lin... just wish we had more time hang out... :)
  • Jon Tan
    Heya, wow... after reading this, changes the perspective of the conversation we had earlier today. Something one of my 17 year old darling students said on Youth Sunday "We are each God's unique masterpieces in our own way" based on Psalm 139. So what if we can never make screen - there's still the actual world out there for the taking! There are so many places where we can make it our own. What we lack is the wisdom to know where and when we fit in, and to then... carpe diem. I don't think you need many telling ya you have a lot going for you. Rest assured that closed doors are just God's way of telling us to check out the windows. Look around and see which scenery you like best. Then, go for it. :)
  • aronil
    Hey Nick :) It's so nice to hear your critique again hehe. and hugs back... I know I've been outta touch lately, tried messaging you the other day but no reply :(. Maybe my dad's right i don't know what it is I'm doing now. I'm following a heart, but does that heart really know anything? And is guts enough? Nothing to be admired much really.. at least you don't have to worry when the next paycheck is gonna come in (good and bad of that ;) ) And say if i don't make it at all... will i be happy? I used to think I wold be... and i'm still keeping my chin up about it. It's in times like these, i really wanna cry and just raise my hands asking what, why and when - which sounds so silly because why should i be bothered about the simpleness of this (that is to work hard and pray for the best and trust God) - ithere are others out there who are really suffering.... But thanks for the support Nick. I thoroughly appreciate it as well as your friendship. hugs!!
  • nicholas.c
    Awww.. *hugs* You know, when people ask if theres a good creative on the market, i always think of you... But the problem is as much as I would like to suggest you to fill a long term production role, I know your heart will always be out there on stage and in the light. On the one hand I think it's a bloody waste of talent, but on the other, we can't help what the heart desires right? You're still young, your time is now. At least you have the guts to go out there and try to realize your dream. I admire you. You're doing now what a lot of people spend their lives regretting not doing out of fear or living up to being "real". Even if you don't make it big, you can be happy knowing you gave it your best, and you can still go back to doing the things you are good at, with more experience, contacts and insights to boot.
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