A bit more of a personal post here.
Today has been a rather interesting in a very indirect manner. It started with me talking to my partner in gym training about an issue he’s going through at the moment. Which lead me to think on my own future and life on marriage and what not. I found that i had questions and wanted to know how my better half felt on our own future. A number of times people have been asking us when is our time. To be frank I do not know when our time is. Cause financially it’s a prob. Not for him but on my end. That said, it’s like a plane which has engines but only one is working. Take a guess who is who. Needless to say, I felt a heavy weight on me because once again I was filled with uncertainty.
Uncertainty on why I should be wasting my time with the arts. Why should I consider even trying when i do not know what I can offer in the entertainment line. Uncertainty on whether I should let someone wait for me as i figure out what to do with my life. For he is more stable than I ever will be in the finance department at this point in time. So that left me thinking about what was my worth in all this. It’s hard because, I could have a “normal life” where I don’t dabble with the arts. I could have a “normal job” that’s safe. Why should i put myself in such agony on when is my next paycheck going to come in? Why not just get a job where i can be stable, I can save some cash and then I can get on with the other part of my life – the personal one. He’s waiting for me, and it’s fine for him. But there are also sacrifices he’s permitting because of the waiting. I feeel guilty because, how do i say that I don’t want him to wait and not go after his own dreams. While i’m struggling to pursue my own.
This left me frowning for a while as I stared at my screen. That was when I decided to open up my msn and then I saw a little notification from Ming Han’s nickname, requesting for me to ping him, when I was online. So i pinged him. That was also the same time I wrote this as my new msn nick : “Is having a reflective moment.. and not exactly liking it”. Which probbed him to ask me whats up and if i wanted to share.
This resulted in me blurting out my head.
After much of him listening to me blabbed on. He shared with me a verse from the Bible – Jeremiah 29:11.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”This rang a bell in my heart and urged me to read the whole of Jeremiah 29. It is “A Letter to the Exiles”. Being in exile is hard.. I can only just imagine what those people must have felt when they were to be thrown out of their home, into a foreign land with different languages, culture and what have you. For me I sometimes do feel like an exile. An exile in the sense that I’m not in normal working environment. Rather I feel like I’m thrown into a barren land that is far from that which i’m comfortable. Instead I’m constantly in a state of stress and anxiety at times. But in this unknown and very tempting culture, we are called to be salt and light. To just be a different kind of light in the entertainment industry. That is why I find that it is worthwhile doing this. I was blinded for a moment with the uncertain future. But reading Jeremiah 29:11, I realise that I can’t leave it in my hands. I never could. He wants me to look to Him and as he states in His word “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Times like these, I just need to know when to be still and trust that my life is in His capable hands. It doesn’t matter that I’m in troubling times now, I have to live by faith, hope and just know that because God loves me, what He has planned out for me will not harm me. Rather he has “plans to give me hope and a future. ” How easy it is as humans, we falter and sometime think that everything can be solved with our hands. It’s never that simple, that we can just force our way in without Him pulling us back because He knows we may hurt ourselves in the process. It is so important that i know He is in my life. He is my pillar of light and support. My rock.
